Desmond Morris is all like people have been eating together since the stone age and its a very social event. Look at how people today eat alone in restaurants. They seem awkward, dont they? Well although I respect his work, nuts to him. I prefer to eat by myself, or only with very close friends. I dont want anyone talking to me during lunch. But then, I am an antisocial goon.
My new project is to copy and paste old blog entries to LiveJournal. I’m not sure why. Comment gluttony? Not all old entries, just ones that are still relevant. Or…whatever I feel like, really.
The breakup really made my world go topsy turvy. Not just emotionally, but practically. For the first time in years I really had long-term plans that seemed natural. We were going to move in together, we were going to go to China. I was excited about that stuff. I looked forward to it. During the past 2 weeks I’d been focusing my grief on the here and now, but once in a while something would come up to slap me in the face with a “yeah…that thing you took for granted? You aren’t going to be doing that anymore. What now, smart guy?” I feel stuck. I feel back where I started. I don’t like the dating process. In fact I will go further than that and say that I HATE the dating process. I guess most people do. I don’t want to think about it, but at times, when I am lonely, I feel it looming. Like at some point I am going to find myself back on Lavalife, and I dread it. I was extremely gratified to have been able to leave that behind me.
But I have lots more time before I have to worry about that. I am not over Marlo yet. I find myself in the awkward position of wanting to spend more time with her, to support one another and to be a friend…but at the same time wanting to get over her. It’s just so weird to not come and go as I please, to have to ask before I come over, to not call her at work every day to see what she wants to do for dinner.
Tonight Marlo and I went out for dinner and rented Scrubs from Rogers and also watched an episode of Kenny vs Spenny. I was glad that Marlo laughed at KvsS and Marlo was glad that I laughed at Scrubs. They had me at the very first episode we watched which featured the singer from Men At Work. I used to be a Men At Work fan when I was a teenager. I had two (both?) of their albums on cassette along with Thriller and…god, what else? The Police, The Pinheads, and Platinum Blonde I guess (the three P’s). And now I am listening to Men At Work again. “Dr Heckyll and Mr Jive” notwithstanding, most of it still holds up. Now that I think about it it’s a little eerie how the lyrics to “Overkill” apply to my life over the past two weeks (in fact tonight was our 2 week antiversary).
I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
…it’s just overkill
Tonight was the first time we hung out with some semblance of normalcy since then. It wasn’t like the “old times” but it was good. We still have lots to do. We also taste-tested many chocolates for Kelly’s Bad Girl Chocolates line this year. Naughty!
More exciting news tomorrow.
I’ve added a bunch of categories to my blog for the very first time. Now if by some weird lapse of judgment you want to read all of my twisted dreams, you can do so with a click of a link. I’ve spent the past week going through my old entries and classifying them. This has been bittersweet, given the recent breakup. But it’s also reminded me of a lot of things about the past year and a half that I’ve forgotten. It’s also made me realize how oblique most of my blog titles are. Oh well, at least this entry’s is straightforward. I still have lots more entries to go through, but I’ve had enough for now.
Speaking of dreams, I’ve been having frustrated ones. This morning’s was about living in the boonies (such as Maple Ridge or Langley) and being forced to take tremendous bus rides to avoid being trapped. Plus other personal stuff I won’t go into here. Nyah nyah.
Wednesday night I went to Geoffs for a writing group meeting. I had tried to write something for the meet but the thing I started on didnt get very far off the ground, so I just brought an old piece. One of the girls there wrote about lack of fulfilling ones potential, or even the wisdom to self-analyze, and we talked about that for some time. I have been thinking about that for years. Certainly I look at my life, my beliefs, and my attitudes quite a lot. But I fret about not living up to my potential. I have skills, but self-promotion and social graces are not among them. Its been a constant thorn in my side, along with my inherent laziness. Who knows where I would be if I was a little more friendly/gregarious. Maybe I should take up drinking.
On Thursday I went into a studio to do voice recordings for Stewies game Sword of the Stars. Taylor was there to help and it was good to see him again. We had to share a microphone for a chunk of lines, and then I had my time alone in the booth doing crazy voices that I probably cant tell you about but maybe Stewie can. It was fun and challenging.
Stephane and I played more racquetball at the Mount Pleasant Community Center on Ontario and 15th. I noticed they also have badminton for $4 drop-in for 2 hours on Thursdays at 7:45. Anyone else interested in that? We also talked about finding a place to play outside. Id totally spring for a net. I guess in theory you could set it up in a park wherever you want.
Today I have an interview at a video game company. I got the entire day off from RBC which is great, because I really needed to catch up on sleep. Today I went to bed before midnight (I would say about 1:20 minutes earlier than usual), woke up at 2:40ish, went back to sleep, woke up at 4 something, and then have intermittent dozing at 1-2 hour stretches until about 9am. I figure between all of that I probably got 8 hours, which was my goal. Watching classic Trek and Black Books kept my mind off of things. Even when I’m feeling fine, you sometimes have those nights where you wake up and you just can’t go to sleep because your mind is so busy. TV is the ultimate cure to a busy mind.
Did I mention this? As of last week, I’m back on my regimen of good diet and exercise, which did me well in the summer of 2004. Spoiled so far only by Stewie bringing home some licorice allsorts. I’ve had no appetite in the mornings lately, Chef salad for lunch pretty much every day, and misc healthyish things for dinner. Last night it was nuts, broccoli, and a yogurt at Tim Hortons in Chilliwack*. I bought Cadbury Mini Eggs for a co-worker/supervisor at work and I wasn’t even tempted to eat them. Sugar is addictive, as Marlo says! I am weaning. My sugar intake has been limited to fruit and carrots. I have been so busy with band stuff, VGG stuff, and drawing that I haven’t had as much racquetball as I’d like.
How’s that for a boring entry? Well I’ve got news – IT’S NOT FOR YOU!!!
*Yes, right after work Naomi drove me out to band practice where I did not practice but rather we just took costume adjustments.
Man am I ever out of it this morning. Another sub-par sleep. I purposely tried to go to bed early last night, but then I realized I forgot to have a shower. I was going to bed just as Stewie got home. (He said I did a good job on the alien voice for his video game Sword of the Stars; I am quite pleased that I pulled it off). When I went to bed I put in Star Trek: Generations and fell asleep about 45 minutes in. So that would have been close to my usual bed time of 1am. And again I woke up before 7am. I got up, had some warm milk, some broccoli to settle my churning tummy, plugged in some Futurama, and drifted into intermittent, light sleep. NOT ENOUGH! It’s taking me four times as long to remember passwords, work protocols, etc, and I was 3 whole minutes late for work because I was just wandering around my room in a stupor after I got up – I almost called in sick. I weep for my Mandarin class tonight.
I’m sure some of you are aware of this phenomenon…I have yet to give it a name. If you’re working on the phones you have your standard ‘scripting’ which you say over and over and over and over all day long. After a while just to amuse yourself you start to say it in different ways, different emphasis, pacing, etc. I’ve never actually answered a call with a Christopher Walken or Sean Connery impersonation…yet. Maybe on my last day.
I read on Monte’s blog that he’s going to LepreCon in Ireland. That’s a funny name for a convention. Not to be confused with LeperCon in Myanmar.
I guess I should clarify that my last post refers to the fact that Marlo and I have broken up. I don’t mean to pick on Amber but she misinterpreted it to mean we got engaged, which I think is pretty funny. I’ve been wrestling with how much I should post about what I’m going through on a public blog. On the one hand, it might be entertaining to you all, and therapeutic and good record-keeping for me. On the other hand, I don’t want to bring you all down with my sob stories.
And to end on a high note, it is a beautiful day outside, they discovered a new supernova very close to us (by astronomical standards) and the New Zealand Seafood Industry has proposed to close 1/3 of local waters to the incredibly destructive bottom trawling, a major coup for environmentalists and deep-sea enthusiasts like myself, if it goes through (The article quotes my favourite chain-smoking, Neil Diamond-fan squid expert, Dr Steven O’Shea).
Spanning three years!*
I loved Marlo before we started dating, and she knew it. I loved Marlo while we were dating, and she knew it. I love Marlo now that we’re not dating anymore, and she knows it. And I’m pretty sure she loves me. But some things you have to accept, and act on. That act took place over this past weekend. We had some damn good times, and I look forward to more…but in a different way. To quote Marlo’s favourite Vulcan from my favourite (Trek) movie: “You have been…and always shall be…my friend.”
*But only actually taking up 17 months.
Ive decided while I was going through my old blog entries that Im not going to list the news tidbits as I have been doing for a couple of years. I hope thats okay with you all.
I will, however, remark on news items that I actually want to comment on. Such as:
The Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada is recommending that the government offer tax breaks for gym memberships and exercise equipment, and no GST on healthy food purchases. I think this is an outstanding idea but I dont hold out hope.
Sleep has been my friend and my enemy this weekend. My friend when it comes, and my enemy when it leaves. This morning I woke up at around 6:30ish. It was some truck going past the building, Im sure. Thats not unusual but normally I can get back to sleep. After about 5 minutes awake my mind started buzzing with troublesome thoughts and I knew I wasnt going to get back to sleep just by willing it. Thats 3 nights in a row and Im pretty out of it at work. I keep doublechecking my work. I got up to find something that I could watch – X2 seemed to work ok for me Sunday morning. Im glad I taped all those episodes of classic Trek while I was working at home because it wasnt long after I plugged in Star Trek Memories with Leonard Nimoy that I at least got a little more shuteye. When I woke up it was already into the episode with the salt-eating shapechanger. I dont know if its the drone of the VCR or that Spocks shenanigans occupy my higher brain functions, but Im thankful. THANKFUL!
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about time, over the past couple days. The past, the future, the present. What I’ve accomplished, what I’ve wanted to accomplish but haven’t, and what I can still accomplish. What I’m ashamed of, what I’m proud of…regrets and all of that. All because I’ve spent a lot of time cleaning up–cleaning up my room*, throwing away old scripts of movies, plays and cartoons that I’ve been in. Old music tapes. My art career, how it’s been flagging over the past while and how I’m okay with that, because I’m kind of sick of doing the same thing for 10 years. Video game companies look good to me right now.
I’ve also been cleaning up my computer. I have my blogs and sometimes diary entries, and I like to print them out so that in case something goes wrong with the internet and my computer, I have a paper copy. So I’ve been musing over old entries: the shaved crotch woman entry, the poobag entry, holidays spent with friends, important stuff with Marlo, etc etc.
And all because I couldn’t sleep! I went to bed at 1pm after watching an episode of National Geographic on “body snatchers” (parasites) and then I woke up at 6:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I remember reading that if you have insomnia and can’t get back to sleep after 20 minutes you should get up and do something. Cleaning my room was it. I did that for about an hour and a half and the job’s half done at most. I had a mug of warm milk just like Dr. Beverly Crusher taught me, and eventually I started to feel that I could go back to bed. Again I just lay there, so this time I put X-Men 2 into the VCR, and drifted in and out of consciousness a couple times. By the time Professor X was mentally freezing everyone in the white house, I was wide awake, so I got up. That was at about 10am.
And I have realized over the past couple of days that I am really tired of this apartment and this neighborhood. I’ve been saying that for a while now actually – is it just the winter blahs? Or do I need to rearrange the furniture again? Or just finish tidying? I guess being in one spot for almost 10 years would make anyone yearn for greener pastures.
*Does anyone else keep their ATM slips? Because I have a box of them and I can’t bring myself to chuck them. Is that weird?