The most horrific thing I've ever seen was on the internet

This other day I had a dream that I was watching the news and they were reporting on this cult that committed mass suicide by poisoning themselves. The anchor warned that the scene would be graphic, and then they showed one of the guys take a pill or whatever and then start screaming “No! No!” and making gutteral noises and writhing around in pain. Finally he was in so much agony that he started digging into his own stomach with his hands and ripping out his innards, all the while screaming horrifically. It was pretty gross!

It reminded me of the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen, in all seriousness, which I will tell you about now, if you’re not faint of heart.

Seriously – this is disturbing even to read about, so if you don’t want to read about real life horrific death, do not continue.

I watched a video (on the internet, of course) that showed some Russians (Chechnian rebels or something – I don’t really know. I don’t really know how to spell Chechnian either). Okay screw sentence structure. These two guys (plus the cameraman I must infer) had another guy held at gun point on the top of this little hillock, and they were saying some stuff into the camera and to this guy who looked like he had pissed his pants several times over. They took a big knife and stuck it into the side of this poor guy’s throat and then started sawing towards the front – wow I’m having trouble even finishing this sentence. You could hear him groaning or yelling but it just turned into a gurgling noise as they cut through all the voice stuff and right through to the front, and then sawed off the rest of the flesh and bone at the back. It was really really awful. It didn’t help that something about my video/sound card has always been screwed up since I got my computer so that it played in slow motion for extra creepy effect.

That in turn reminds me that my brother was first on the scene of a murder, which I won’t go into details on the internet, but somebody was shot in the head point blank, as I recall, and the murderer was semi-conscious right next to her. What a mess. Ah, the human race.

I've been reading too many D&D monster books

I had this pretty cool dream last night that I was a wizard, and this powerful hellish creature from another plane of existence came into our world to kill me. I sent dozens of monstrous allies to wear it down and so I could keep my distance while I prepared my final spell (we were all flying around as this was happening). Finally when the fiend defeated my last ally I cast my banishment spell and the thing returned to whatever dark place from which it sprung.

So let that be a warning to the rest of you.

It's more like Jell-o pudding

I had a dream this morning that I went to a Bill Cosby performance and he did his routine sitting in the audience, speaking overtop a pre-recorded routine that was displayed on a screen.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day.

…that makes The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets 13 years old.

Last night I had a dream that I was in New Zealand, visiting Peter Jackson. He had a new baby and I held it for a short while, trying desperately not to break its neck (its head was huge!) by holding it incorrectly. When I gave it back to Peter or his wife, there was a big stain on my shirt – and it was the only shirt I brought to New Zealand. So I asked Peter if he had any shirts I could borrow. He showed me a line of shirts that promoted one of his movies, but he expected me to buy one and I had no money.

Freud would say "get me out of this coffin!"

I had this dream the other night that my ex came back from Alberta and she was livid that I had not sired a child for her. She demanded that I have sex with her on the spot so that she could have a baby, and rather than argue I said “fine.” I expected not to ever have to see her or the child again once the deed was done. So, that was pretty twisted.

The Life Oneiric with Toren Atkinson

This morning I had an interesting dream about zombiepocalypse. Hordes of zombies were running around biting people, and I was running away from them, and sometimes hiding. I had a lot of trouble convincing non-zombies of the real danger. I went into this building and met, in a loft, three young people – a goth girl and her boyfriend and some other guy. I told them about the zombies and that we had to find somewhere to go, but the boyfriend said something to the effect of “cool! Let’s go kick the shit out of them up. I’ve had enough of this Wiccan peace bullshit” – recanting his whole gothy lifestyle to go beat up zombies. The other guy went with him so I was left with the girl (who also tried to talk them out of it). I asked her if there was any place she knew of that we could go that was safe and defensible. She wasn’t the ideal crisis companion either and we shortly were separated. I bumped into a bunch of zombies on a lower level of the building but I tricked them into thinking I too was a zombie and I pointed in some random direction suggesting that there were more brains to be eaten “that way”. Defense through misdirection!

I saw The Life Aquatic with Marlo and Stewie and Taylor the other day and I loved it. I laughed so hard during the scene where…well I won’t spoil it for you. Suffice it to say I heartily recommend it. I thought that Owen Wilson’s acting was good, and that everyone else’s was great. Willem Defoe’s role was my favourite that I’ve seen him in in any movie (I’ve seen (or heard) him in Shadow of the Vampire, Spider-Man, Finding Nemo, Basquiat, Cry Baby, Last Temptation of Christ, and Platoon). The music was what you’ve come to expect from a Wes Anderson film, with a couple surprises. It was much better than Cats. I’m going to see it again and again.

Sweet merciful molten rock!

I just woke up from a dream in which I was walking down the street and saw two bears fighting each other. I couldn’t believe my eyes so I asked a neighbor (this was somewhere in Alberta) who had just gotten out of his helicopter with his son if those were really two bears…fighting each other. He said “yes.” I said “shouldn’t we get inside or something?” and he again said “yes.” As soon as we started running away, though, the bears started chasing us – and we couldn’t reach his house in time so I climbed up on his shed (or garage) – the rest of his family were trying to climb up too but weren’t having as much luck and they may have been being mauled or eaten. I decided that this was all a dream and that if only I could force myself to wake up…well, I’d like that better. In my dream I woke up and was talking to Marlo but as soon as I realized again that I was dreaming I was right back with the bears. So I realized I couldn’t force myself to wake up – but I hit upon the idea of ending the dream by bringing about ragnarok. So the ground opened up and lava shot out, and I threw myself into the rift and watched as the ground swallowed me up and I was disintegrated by the magma.

Dead in the dream, I woke up alive.

Just goes to show I’d rather jump into a pool of lava than be mauled by a bear.

I Expire!

I had a dream this morning about dinosaurs and other prehistoric beasts. They had escaped from who-knows-where and boy, were they ever hungry. They were eating everything in sight, and everything in site was generally people, or other escaped critters. I think it may have started in a museum. I was in a big hall and watched some tyrannosaurus eating something like a phororhacos (large flightless bird). I found some kind of potion or trick that allowed me to become invisible. However, this didn’t help when the sabertooth tiger and dire wolf (yes there really was such a thing as a dire wolf during the pleistocene epoch) used their keen sense of smell to find me, and I died as they ate me. It wasn’t really one of my scarier dreams, in fact I recall in the dream taking interest in finding out what the experience of being killed was like. I always wondered if the idea of being killed is actually more horrific than actually dying (presuming it’s not death by torture). Later on in the dream I was alive again and there was some kind of pod or car or cage, and a person was investigating when it broke open and the poor guy was eaten by an invisible dinosaur (I guess they learned the same trick I did). So I ran and hide behind a big upturned tree stump, just like I would do in real life.


Last night I had a dream that I was at a skytrain station next to a mall and I was carrying a bagfull of my favourite dice. This teenager wanted to look at them so I let him grab them, but then he went into the mall and dumped them over the ledge down to the two levels below and I spent the rest of the dream scrounging around looking for them. I found some other dice that weren’t mine, including a rubber cylindrical die that had 6 numbers on each side.

I also had a dream that I was a slave for gladiatorial games in a secret underground complex. I kept trying to escape but the masters were aliens (though they looked human) and whenever you stabbed them or chopped their heads off they’d just go back in a few moments, good as new. Finally I managed to elude them and run into the kitchen – the cook wanted to help me and my companion escape so he told us where to find his truck. We ran out into the garage and I fly his canopied pickup truck (hmm…did I spend too much time in Brian’s truck yesterday?) out into the city full of regular modern human folk. We escaped, but then we got pulled over by one of the aliens but all she did was give us four speeding tickets, then she left.

Shovels shovels

This morning I had a dream that I was at a garage sale and there were two different plastic toy shovels that I thought I could use for something (I can’t imagine what, in real life) so I spent minutes and minutes trying to decide which one I wanted to get. When I finally decided I asked the lady (there were two of them behind the table) “how much?” and she said $3. I hemed and hawed about the price for another seemingly endless time until finally I decided I didn’t need them and walked home.

Here’s hoping my real foray into garage saling goes a bit better today.