Toren Atkinson

I had a dream this morning that I met too girls named Toreen and Torine (rhymes with ‘more wine’) and we decided to be friends. We passed a badminton court and I was all excited about playing. I also dreamt that I was taking care of Bubbles indefinitely. Bubbles is the german shepherd of my neighbor Janine who moved away to Ontario.

On to old news:

POLITICS
Russia offered to send a rich person to orbit the moon in exchange for $100 million.
The Senate passed the Support Our Scouts Act of 2005, guaranteeing the Boy Scouts the right to use federal land whether the organization discriminates against atheists and gays or not.
In California, a scoutmaster and a thirteen-year-old scout were killed by lightning.

The Bush Administration started referring to the War on Terror as “the global struggle against violent extremism”

SPACE
A huge patch of ice was discovered on Mars,[BBC News] and an object possibly larger than Pluto was discovered beyond the orbit of Neptune.

PEOPLE KILLING PEOPLE
A homeless man in Nashville, Tennessee, confessed to strangling two other homeless men. “I got addicted,” he explained, “to sucking the souls out of people.” A Florida man pleaded guilty to beating his wife to death because she wanted to cuddle after sex, In Los Angeles, cocaine was found in the bloodstream of a toddler who died when her father used her as a shield in a shootout with police. A seventy-eight-year-old Georgia woman, angry that her eighty-five-year-old ex-boyfriend was cheating on her, shot and killed him with an antique handgun. “I’d do it again,” she said.
Peter Schoomaker, the Army’s top general, revealed that the United States was developing a plan to keep at least 100,000 soldiers in Iraq through 2009.

ETCETERA
A Cambodian man found his mother after being separated from her for thirty years, then learned that she was also the mother of his wife. Kansas police took away, then returned, the left foot of an amputee named Ezekiel Rubottom, who had been keeping his foot in a bucket on a friend’s porch. “It’s all good,” said Rubottom. [Wow! I didn’t think being an amputee was good.]
British zoo authorities sent a parrot into seclusion after the bird told two policemen, a mayor, and a vicar to fuck off.
A man in Yorkshire, England, filmed his own suicide on his mobile phone and beamed it to his girlfriend
A surprising number of dogs were jumping to their deaths from a bridge in Milton, Scotland, but no one knew why. “Everything dogs do is for a reason,” said a perplexed animal behaviorist. “They’re not stupid like we are.” [And they eat their own poo]

Scientists found that the male human brain has to work harder to listen to women than to listen to men.
A study found that the worldwide percentage of land stricken by drought has doubled within the last 30 years.
Police in New Hampshire found 10 stolen Segway scooters in a garage; apparently the thieves had been unable to sell them.
A study found that 1 in 25 fathers was unknowingly raising another man’s child, a situation referred to as “paternal discrepancy,”
A South Korean man played video games for 50 straight hours, then died.
Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, said that she had never read a book in her life, although she had written a 528-page autobiography.
Canada was considering sanctions against the United States after it refused to comply with a NAFTA ruling in favor of the Canadian lumber industry. In Victoria, Canada, methamphetamine addicts were stealing large numbers of bicycles because disassembling the bikes soothes them while they tweak.