Month: November 2015

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the 37’s

In this episode Voyager finds a 1930’s car floating in the part of the Delta Quadrant that they happen to be passing by, which seems totally reasonable. That leads them to a planet where they release Amelia Earhart from stasis. She and and others were being worshiped by the society of humans living on the planet that were slaves of aliens that abducted humans in the 30’s – a society made of their descendants. Luckily nobody on Voyager likes the idea of living on a planet with thousands of humans instead of travelling for 75 years in a spaceship, and nobody on the planet, including Earhart, has any interest in going into space with Voyager. So that all works out. 4/10

INITIATIONS

In this episode there is a lot of hammy acting as Chakotay goes up against Nog, er, I mean a young Kazon. Chakotay impresses upon an alien some good old fashioned Roddenberry-esque human values. Totally decent episode. No weird space clouds. 7/10.

PROJECTIONS

In this episode the holographic doctor learns he’s not a hologram but a real human in a holographic simulation. OR IS HE!!!? No he’s not. OR MAYBE HE IS!? Great episode, really engaging. Lt. Broccoli is back. My biggest problem is that it didn’t have an ending. 7/10

ELOGIUM

The ship encounters giant space sperm that induce rutting in Kes. Also Naomi Wildman’s mom becomes pregnant with her. This episode would make David Attenborough proud. 5/10.

NON SEQUITUR

Harry Kim wakes up in an alternate timeline where he didn’t go on to Voyager, and his pal Danny Bird went instead. He recruits drunk loser Tom Paris in France. Not Paris, France. In Marseille, France. Tom Paris…IN France. They get into trouble with Starfleet and Starfleet puts a big bulky tracking anklet on him – because that is how they do things in the 24th century. The guy who owns the cafe explains that Kim collided with a time matrix dealio in a shuttle which caused all this mess. Paris and Kim steal a shuttle so they can recreate and reverse the accident, so they head for the time-stream coordinates which I guess are close by Earth even though Kim would have been in the Delta Quadrant orginally? I dunno, who cares. We also learn in this episode that Kim has no chemistry with his fiancee. When do we get to see the episodes with Danny Bird instead of Kim? 4/10

TWISTED

How long has it been since there was an episode about a spatial anomaly? Too long, apparently. This spatial anomaly is re-configuring the ship, but it happens conveniently only when people aren’t looking. Janeway says they should use Jefferies tubes as if they would be immune to the effect. Then Captain Janeway speaks in tongues and Tuvok says that the best way to fix the ship is to do nothing. Neelix is jealous. Everything ends up fine, and the computers have 20 million new gigaquads of data. Now let us never speak of it again. 3/10

PARTURITION

Neelix is jealous of Tom so they go on a shuttle together down on a planet where the shuttle crashes because of blah blah blah but nobody dies in the crash or is even hurt. Then they both become a mother to a reptile puppet. 3/10

PERSISTENCE OF VISION

Janeway is freaked out over cucumber sandwiches but at least she doesn’t brush off her hallucinations and smartly tells the crew about them. Kes also sees Janeways visions, and saves Janeway from the holographic housekeeper trying to stab the captain to death. The alien Bothans who are presumably different than the Bothans from Star Wars, are playing mind games with the crew and one by one the crew goes catatonic. Kes and the doctor are the only ones left and Kes performs some technobabble to defeat the alien which appears to be on board. The alien pretends to be weak but then declares that he’s not even there-  mwoohahahah! Evil! 4/10

TATTOO

“Tattoo” – the trailer makes this episode look worse than it actually is. In this episode Chakotay learns that aliens came to earth thousands of years ago and gave the native people of the Americas a genetic gift. This seems silly to me but not as silly as Chakotay just happening by the aliens’ planet in the delta quadrant. Meanwhile, the doctor programs himself to get a virus so he can better sympathize with his human patients because Kes is pissed with his lack of empathy. 5.8/10

COLD FIRE

Voyager saved the Caretaker alien’s remains (remember, from the first episode) and they begin to vibrate or squeal or whatever. Then they find some Ocampans living on a space station being taken by the Caretaker’s partner. One Ocampa teaches Kes to use her psionic powers and she boils Tuvok’s face. Then she destroys the ship’s plant supplies and the Ocampa guy wants to take Kes away. The Caretaker version 2 arrives and she’s a creepy little girl who wants to kill everyone! They poison the alien into submission and all the not-regular cast flee. Kes has just lowly psi powers again and Janeway vows to find the evil space girl but instead of starting on the station they leave. So, I guess not really. 5/10

MANEUVERS

What are Seska’s motivations? Does she want to get back to Cardassia? Does she feel safer with the Kazon than with her ex-allies from the Alpha Quadrant? Does she just enjoy toying with Voyager because she’s evil? Maybe she just sees a future place of power with the Kazon even though they don’t respect women. Anyway, Seska and the Kazon steals a federation doohickey from Voyager. They want their doohickey back! Chakotay steals a shuttle and destroys the doohickey on the Kazon vessel. Several Kazon sects have come together against Voyager but Janeway beams all the leaders onto Voyager and holds them hostage in order to get Chakotay back. Janeway is mad at Chakotay for breaking the chain of command but doesn’t discipline him because whaddyagonnado? 5.7/10

RESISTANCE

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….okay. The ship conveniently needs to have no shields for this episode, so they technobabble a reason. Janeway, undercover as a not-starfleet captain, is captured on a planet. Same deal with Tuvok and B’Elanna. Janeway is saved and dogged by an insane man who thinks she is her daughter. Janeway does the old “show some leg and pretend to be a prostitute” gambit to distract prison guards. By this time Janeway has bonded with the nutty old man and when he’s killed she finally admits to being his daughter so that he can die happy. They escape. 4/10

PROTOTYPE

So you find a seemingly dead robot floating through space and you think it’s a good idea to repair and reactivate it without, you know…figuring out what it’s programming is. Also, the practical effects in this episode were ATROCIOUS. A good idea horribly executed. 3/10

ALLIANCES

Oh the Kazon are taking their toll on poor old Voyager. The crew is getting smaller and the attacks are getting more frequent. Abandon Starfleet Principles the crew says! Janeway says “I’ll blow up the ship first!” and the Maquis are all like ‘whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?’ Chakotay says “let’s make an alliance with the Kazon” and Tuvok makes a reference to Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. A meeting is set up between Seska, her Kazon baby-daddy and Janeway. The Kazon says women are inferior and must submit and Janeway tells him to talk to the hand. Meanwhile the Trabe are the sworn enemies of the Kazon, but the governor says Voyager should arrange peace talks between everybody. That indeed happens, but the Trabe just try to assassinate all the Kazons at the meeting. Janeway ruins the attempt, and now both neither the Kazon nor the Trabe will ally with Voyager. 6/10. Would have been more but Seska is dumb and Neelix goes to a space bar.

THRESHOLD

Tom Paris exceeds Warp 10 and he and Janeway turn into fucking salamanders and have babies together and then are they are restored but they leave the babies on some planet because that’s how the Prime Directive works. 2/10

MELD

Grima Wormtongue is a psychopathic murderer and Tuvok melds with him to help him with his bad brain. Now Tuvok is a psychopathic murderer. Tim Russ gets to act in this episode! 7.5/10

DREADNOUGHT

Coincidence Factor 11 Captain! A bazillion space miles away in the Alpha Quadrant, B’elanna Torres reprogrammed a Cardassian death machine for the Maquis. It manages to show up in the Delta Quadrant right along Voyagers path back home, and now it’s on a mission of kill a random alien planet. Torres and Janeway and Voyager must sacrifice their lives to stop it. 6/10

DEATH WISH

A member of the Q continuum wants to commit suicide, but the continuum won’t let him. It’s up to Janeway to decide, via a hearing. Also, Riker makes a weird guest appearance! Thoughtful, philosophical, intelligent, creative. Quite possibly my favourite Voyager episode. This is what Star Trek was meant to be. 8/10.

LIFESIGNS

The Doctor puts the mind of a dying, phage-infected Vidiian (Danara) into a holographic body while they work on treating her biological body. Love happens, and the Doctor is bad at it. Danara gives the Doctor a name, Dr. Shmullus, which only ever comes up again in one other episode. Also Dr. Leonard McCoy is referenced. Decent. 7/10

INVESTIGATIONS

Tom Paris doesn’t fit in! He leaves the ship to find his own way. But is it all a plot to expose the crewman who is a spy for Seska and the Kazon? Yes. Yes it is. Neelix starts a goddamned TV show for the crew, and wins a fist-fight with an able-bodied former Maquis crewmember somehow. 5.5/10

DEADLOCK

Ensign Kim is sucked into space and dies a horrible death. Also little infant Naomi Wildman dies of some complications as she is born. But don’t worry, a duplicate of the ship has been created due to SPACE CLOUD phenomenon. One ship is damaged, the other is fine. The Vidiians come to the pristine Voyager and Janeway blows it up, but not before their still alive Kim and Naomi Wildman are shifted over to the other ship. 5.6/10

INNOCENCE

Tuvok is stranded on a planet with wooden-acting alien children who are afraid of the bogeyman, and logic must be used to quell their fear. Janeway breaks the Prime Directive sort-of-kind-of but everyone is friends at the end. 6/10. 

THE THAW

The guy from Spinal Tap is a not-so-scary version of personified fear inside a virtual reality that looks like a low-budget cirque du soleil where everything is boring and/or irritating. For some reason I can’t understand B’elanna Torres is sent into this virtual reality that is being co-created by a computer and the survivors of an apocalypse being held in suspended animation. Harry Kim is also sent in, but I can understand that because he’s expendable. Anyway, this episode is almost unwatchable despite having an interesting premise. 3/10

TUVIX

An orchid is responsible for merging the DNA of Tuvok and Neelix during an otherwise routine transport. This doesn’t explain how the uniforms merge. When the Doctor finds a way to undo the accident weeks later, Tuvix finds he doesn’t want to be undone. but when he tries to assert his rights as an individual, the crew gives him the cold shoulder and Janeway orders his “murder.” I wonder if this would have gone differently if he resigned from Starfleet. 8/10

RESOLUTIONS

Chakotay gives Janeway a back massage after they’re abandoned on an alien planet because they have an incurable disease. 5/10

BASICS PART 1

…my review is forthcoming