Category: Ideas

I just saw a commercial for the Oral-B Triumph toothbrush. Have you seen this? The one where the toothbrush is put up on a pedestal and the common people celebrate it as flags come down and whatnot? It’s the toothbrush with an “onboard computer” with “patented smart technology” whatever that means. The commercial does not tell you what the computer is supposed to do, so I went to the website. Here’s what the computer does:

– gives you an LCD of how much time you have left to brush (from the dental recommended 2 minutes). Why do you need a display? Can you read it while you’re brushing? Marlo’s toothbrush just shuts off after 2 minutes.
– “charge level” tells you how much of a charge it’s got left in it so that you can “brush with optimal power.”
– advises when individual brushheads should change. I’m sure this is an arbitrary amount programmed into it so that you consume more Oral-B products.
– some other crap.

It’s got four settings: Clean; Soft; Massage; Polish–which I’m sure translate to Fastest; Fast; Slow; Slowest.

What a big old crock o’ shit.

Also, why exactly do my gums need to be stimulated?

In Bowling for Columbine one of the main points was that fearmongering is a major source of social unrest, and all that that implies.

I thought it would be interesting to create a list of all the things that the media tells you to be afraid of, and then a list of what I think you should fear.

On the first list, here are a few things I can think of off the top of my head.

Things to fear (media)

Taking regular showers may cause harm to the nervous system
Chopsticks may cause arthritis
Teflon may cause cancer
Soy may cause cancer and brain damage
Tylenol may cause asthma
Birth control pill may cause cancer
Cell Phones may cause cataracts
Wood Smoke may cause lung cancer
PCBs may cause diabetes
Typing may cause tendonitis
Viagra may cause vision loss
Smog may cause lung problems
Farmed salmon may cause cancer
Anti-depression medications may cause tooth decay
White Bread may cause tooth decay
Potato chips may cause cancer
Flying may cause cancer/leuemia
Mosquito coils may cause cancer
Soft candles may cause respiratory problems
Colgate, Aquafresh, Sensodyne may cause depression, liver problems, cancer
Paint strippers may cause damage to the liver, kidney or brain, and cancer
Aspartame may cause liver cancer
Dental fillings may cause multiple sclerosis
Cling Wrap may cause health problems
Styrofoam cups and trays may cause health problems
Household cleaning fluids with pthalates may cause infertility

Feel free to comment with more

What if I wrote a chilling cautionary tale about a twisted world in which you are forced to work in a factory that processes your favourite food until you were sick of it? BWOOO-HAHAHAHA! I think that would speak to everyone.

Even though I had terrible dreams about being eaten by crocodiles when I was a kid, I think that being eaten would be a great way to go. Because then at least you’re giving something back to the world, or to the crocodile at least. Stupid old humanity and their respect for lifeless husks, it’s a needless burden on the environment to burn a body or to build a graveyard. Let it be known that when I die, I want my body to be fed to sharks or wolves or something. Maybe a swarm of starving chihuahuas so that they acquire a taste for human flesh.

Also I think that when you fill out the organ donor form, you should also be able to write a test. And I don’t mean take a test, I mean write it. When you die and the doctors divide up all your pink goodies, prospective recipients have to take the test you wrote — sort of an application form. If they don’t pass the test (and you can set it so that passing means you have to get 50% or 100% or whatever) they don’t get the donation. That way I can make sure my kidney isn’t going to someone who is stupid (because that would be a waste of a perfectly good kidney), or someone who is anti-abortion and anti-gay, like, say, the Pope.

Dogs are well known for being living garbage disposals. If you don’t want to eat the rest of your donut, you throw it to the dog and you don’t have to worry about cleaning it up.

Traditionally cats are more finicky, but there is a way around that. If you wipe whatever food you want disposed of onto its fur, it can’t help but lick it up.

7. ONE CAN’T HIDE

The seventh lesson I teach is that one can’t hide. I teach students that they are always watched, that each is under constant surveillance by me and my colleagues. There are no private spaces for children; there is no private time. Class change lasts exactly three hundred seconds to keep promiscuous fraternization at low levels. Students are encouraged to tattle on each other or even to tattle on their own parents. Of course, I encourage parents to file reports about their own child’s waywardness too. A family trained to snitch on itself isn’t likely to conceal any dangerous secrets.

I assign a type of extended schooling called “homework”, so that the effect of surveillance, if not the surveillance itself, travels into private households, where students might otherwise use free time to learn something unauthorized from a father or mother, by exploration or by apprenticing to some wise person in the neighborhood. Disloyalty to the idea of schooling is a devil always ready to find work for idle hands.

The meaning of constant surveillance and denial of privacy is that no one can be trusted, that privacy is not legitimate. Surveillance is an ancient imperative, espoused by certain influential thinkers, a central prescription set down in The Republic, The City of God, The Institutes of the Christian Religion, New Atlantis, Leviathan, and a host of other places. All the childless men who wrote these books discovered the same thing: children must be closely watched if you want to keep a society under tight central control. Children will follow a private drummer if you can’t get them into a uniformed band.

I read an interesting article in the Globe & Mail while I was at Marlo’s the other day, about the new decency act and how Spongebob came under fire for promoting family variety and some cartoon rabbit that interacts with live action was likewise denounced for showing (if not actually addressing) lesbian parents. It was a pretty interesting article and basically, tons of Christians are worried that a cartoon character is promoting the acceptance of homosexuality. Promoting tolerance is more like it. I think they’re calling it a “rainbow alert.” Now who’s evil? I am really getting tired of the way the word “family” is becoming a sugar-coated variant of “Christian gay bashers.” I am not known for being a huge proponent of family values, but if this keeps up ‘family’ is likely to become a four-letter word.

Mike then brought this Rolling Stone quote or paraphrasing to my attention:

… under a bill recently passed by the House that would raise the maximum fine on indecency to $500,000 per violation, Bono’s “f***ing brilliant” remark would be put on an equal footing, so far as government fines are concerned, as “illegally testing pesticides on human subjects.” Moreover, the magazine noted, “You could cause the wrongful death of an elderly patient in a nursing home and still have enough money left to create dangerous mishaps at two nuclear reactors.”

While checking that out, I also read this tidbit:

An Illinois lawmaker has proposed a law that would require theaters to list two starting times — one for the trailers and ads; the other for the actual beginning of the feature.

Good idea. The last movie I went to had about 20 minutes of ads and trailers. Maybe more I don’t remember. Stewie and Marlo were with me. I think it was The Incredibles? Maybe? Doesn’t matter. All I know is I want a bubble tea at Tinseltown. And finally:

Several critics complained that the Oscar producers, in their effort not to offend, removed the edginess from host Chris Rock’s distinctive humor. “[Rock] had to be so circumscribed and restrained that it had a negative impact on what he could bring to the table,

That really doesn’t come as a surprise, given what little I’ve heard of Rock’s stand up. I wonder if David Cross would ever accept a hosting job like that.

6. PROVISIONAL SELF-ESTEEM

The sixth lesson I teach is provisional self-esteem. If you’ve ever tried to wrestle into line kids whose parents have convinced them to believe they’ll be loved in spite of anything, you know how impossible it is to make self-confident spirits conform. Our world wouldn’t survive a flood of confident people very long, so I teach that a kid’s self-respect should depend on expert opinion. My kids are constantly evaluated and judged.

A monthly report, impressive in its provision, is sent into a student’s home to elicit approval or mark exactly, down to a single percentage point, how dissatisfied with the child a parent should be. The ecology of “good” schooling depends on perpetuating dissatisfaction, just as the commercial economy depends on the same fertilizer. Although some people might be surprised how little time or reflection goes into making up these mathematical records, the cumulative weight of these objective-seeming documents establishes a profile that compels children to arrive at certain decisions about themselves and their futures based on the casual judgment of strangers. Self-evaluation, the staple of every major philosophical system that ever appeared on the planet, is never considered a factor. The lesson of report cards, grades, and tests is that children should not trust themselves or their parents but should instead rely on the evaluation of certified officials. People need to be told what they are worth.

5. INTELLECTUAL DEPENDENCY

The fifth lesson I teach is intellectual dependency. Good students wait for a teacher to tell them what to do. This is the most important lesson them all; we must wait for other people, better trained than ourselves, to make the meanings of our lives. The expert makes all the important choices; only I, the teacher, can determine what my kids must study, or rather, only the people who pay me can make those decisions, which I then enforce. If I’m told that evolution is a fact instead of a theory, I transmit that as ordered, punishing deviants who resist what I have been told to tell them to think. This power to control what children will think lets me separate successful students from failures very easily.

Successful children do the thinking I assign them with a minimum of resistance and a decent show of enthusiasm. Of the millions of things of value to study, I decide what few we have time for. Actually, though, this is decided by my faceless employers. The choices are theirs – why should I argue? Curiosity has no important place in my work, only conformity.

Bad kids fight this, of course, even though they lack the concepts to know what they are fighting, struggling to make decisions for themselves about what they will learn and when they will learn it. How can we allow that and survive as schoolteachers? Fortunately there are tested procedures to break the will of those who resist; it is more difficult, naturally, if the kids have respectable parents who come to their aid, but that happens less and less in spite of the bad reputation of schools. No middle-class parents I have every met actually believe that their kid’s school is one of the bad ones. Not one single parent in many years of teaching. That’s amazing, and probably the best testimony to what happens to families when mother and father have been well-schooled themselves, learning the seven lessons.

Good people wait for an expert to tell them what to do. It is hardly an exaggeration to say that our entire economy depends upon this lesson being learned. Think of what might fall apart if children weren’t trained to be dependent: the social services could hardly survive – they would vanish, I think, into the recent historical limbo out of which they arose. Counselors and therapists would look on in horror as the supply of psychic invalids vanished. Commercial entertainment of all sorts, including television, would wither as people learned again how to make their own fun. Restaurants, the prepared food industry, and a whole host of other assorted food services would be drastically down-sized if people returned to making their own meals rather than depending on strangers to plant, pick, chop, and cook for them. Much of modern law, medicine, and engineering would go too, as well as the clothing business and schoolteaching, unless a guaranteed supply of helpless people continued to pour out of our schools each year.

Don’t be too quick to vote for radical school reform if you want to continue getting a paycheck. We’ve built a way of life that depends on people doing what they are told because they don’t know how to tell themselves what to do. It’s one of the biggest lessons I teach.