Author: Toren

I dreamt that the animosity between myself and the building manager and his yappy dog escalated to where he shot at me with a pistol several times. Didn’t hurt, though. In fact I think I grabbed his gun and threw it in the ocean.

Then I dreamt I went to Vegas but instead of gambling they had carnival rides. I lost my favourite shirt but I bumped into Kevin Meaney, and his wife and son, who both looked almost exactly like him.

Then I dreamt that some guy’s house was on fire, and I was worried we’d get stuck in traffic when the firetruck arrived.

A brawl broke out at an anger-management seminar at a high school in Maryland.

My spine hurts from jumping up and down at the show the other night.

I shouldn’t have gone out, but I did.

Last night I went to Ursula’s and we (Yvonne, Ursula and I) had nachos and played Settlers of Catan and then my own board game (re-re-re-revised version) and then we played some Mario game until 4am and somehow I won even though I was in last place for most of the game. I walked home and on the way there was a big blue plastic recyclables container full of frying pans and trophies on the curb. I was tempted to take a trophy but I took a frypan instead.

I got an email today from Michael – ally, and producer for Titan Pictures: “I have just been notified that ‘Unrecoverable Error’ has been nominated for best drama at this year’s Yorkton Short Film Festival! I believe Yorkton is Canada’s longest running short film festival.” I played the arrogant tech guy in the film. So, that’s cool.

When you get bored of ear/nipple/navel/genital/eyebrow piercings and tattoos and scarring and branding and ear-stretching and fangs and forked tongues…here’s what’s what’s new to the body modification menu: eye jewelry

MAROTINU DE SUS, Romania – Before Toma Petre’s relatives pulled his body from the grave, ripped out his heart, burned it to ashes, mixed it with water and drank it, he hadn’t been in the news much.

Wow – now they have a Baby Nyarlathotep for only $10 US. Keen. My birthday’s coming up, you know….

A Trip Down Memory Lame
Well gee whiz tonight we (The Thickets) sure did play inside a classroom at UCFV (University-College of the Fraser Valley). In 1992 (it was just “Fraser Valley College” then) I met Warren–with whom I founded the band–in the art program there. I don’t think any of the couple dozen onlookers at the “show” would have appreciated that fact. Anyway, it was really weird to go back there after 12 years and look at the halls and classrooms where I used to take sculpture, painting, etc. I saw Chris’ painting of Devon & Amber still hanging in the stairway. Compounding to the sense of nostalgia was listening to 13 Songs by Fugazi on the drive down (I drove Hoolie’s car down and back). We played in the classroom that I took sculpture in. I sculpted a lot of naked men in those days. One of them, while posing, fell off the platform. Heady stuff, art.

Anyway, besides Anghold there was really only one guy who seemed excited about us playing. I don’t remember his name although he asked me to dedicate a song to him, which of course I did. I think he was drunk. Even so, or especially because, the little gig that could was actually pretty fun. And I got to see lots of mediocre art, including an “homage” (read: ripoff) of Marcel Dzama. Plus I got $20 out of it, which I spent on gas and a delightful meal with Ang at Red Robin’s in Abbotsfjord on the way home. We shared nachos and smoothies. Then we talked about deep and meaningful things on the drive home. Then we talked about James & Marlo – HAHAHA!

The Department of Homeland Security announced that visitors from Britain, France, Germany, Spain, Japan, Australia, and 21 other countries will be photographed and fingerprinted when they enter the United States.

On Saturday I was in a teaser-trailer for a movie that Bob will (presumably) be working on. I played a guy in a cowl who is trying to summon an evil demon (is there any other kind?). It was a volunteer gig, so no money but lots of fun. The best part was the crew members being antsy about us using authentic ‘evocation’ diagrams from occult sources, and me getting to make up my own Cthulhuian chant.

From: “Chris Starkweather”
To: thickets@uniserve.com
Subject: artwork question
Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 03:10:49 -0400
hi, i am writing on behalf of my band Tenticular Genocide. we are an independent noise band based in panama city, FL. we were wondering if we could use your artwork, the piece entitled rampage, for a shirt design. there will be less than 50 shirts printed, and we will be charging only enough to make our money back. we want to use this particular piece of artwork because our name was greatly influenced by lovecraft, and it is a perfect illustration for our name. we will give credit for the artwork as well as post a link on our website. thank you for consideration.
chris porter
http://mypage.uniserve.ca/~thickets/rampage.jpgI asked for a shirt.

Today I got up early to demo Spaceship Zero to a bunch of college kids – the other half of the class that played D&D with Darcy last time. It went very well and was enjoyed by all. Then I got home and continued working on the demon drawing I started last night for one of Bob’s new film projects. Turns out he wants me to be the cultist too – I will have to shave. This means that I can’t go to any of the four other functions I’ve been invited to on Saturday – including Anghold’s high stakes Scrabble party or Theo’s birthday party or Stephane & Sheri’s housewarming.

I missed Dalia’s birthday party tonight because we had the final session of the Call of Cthulhu game I’ve been playing in for over a year. Roster:

Palle (V-Con chair, writer, had a tray of fruit thrown at him by Johnny Depp, filmmaker Steam Powered Films)
Mike (director, Steam Powered…”Alphaman” as seen on Space)
Lisa (lifeblood of Steam Powered)
Don (author, wrote an Angel novel for Pocket Books and has a 2-book deal with Harper Collins)
Sam (writer, actor, comedian -“Long Hard Comedy Rocket”, filmmaker Steam Powered, photographer)

Suffice to say there’s usually at least a half hour of film talk before we start a given gaming session.

Palle – gamemaster
Mike – Zarko the Magnificent! Entertainer.
Lisa – Leander, forensics.
Don – Hans, general freak.
Sam – Travis, Private Investigator.
Me – Mister E, hypnotist. Second character – Gerald Swan, reporter for “Weekly World News”-like magazine.

The short version:
1929: We are hired by Hearst Company to investigate disappearance of film crew on island off coast of california. We become trapped on island. Drums, fires at night – strange lights underwater; seemingly invisible monsters. Distortions of space. Mechanical night-gaunts. We find a print of the film they were shooting – seeing the end of the film makes you go crazy and could bring about the coming of the Great Old Ones if premiered on a certain night under the right circumstances. We visit a coastal town transported by the government to the desert, where Leander is staked out, crucifix style to the desert floor and goes cannibalistic. Water creatures steal the hearts from our bodies. We learn to cast a few spells from the book “Monstres and Their Kynde.” Two opposing sorceresses control different player characters and try to force us to kill eachother. In the end, we managed to thwart the premiere of the doom movie. Only Zarko survived.

Zarko: Left in the ocean by the island to a mysterious fate.
Leander: Soul trapped in limbo box.
Hans: Soul trapped in limbo box while he was having a heart attack.
Travis: Shot to death by waiters with guns.
Mister E: Went insane.
Gerald Swan: Killed by Hans after unsuccessfully trying to kill himself (see “opposing sorceresses” above).

It was a very fulfilling campaign! A few choice quotes were “the one in my neck was wood,” “something like a hiss, something like a roar,” “Call of Cthulhu is the kind of game where ‘just taking a peek’ is tantamount to the worst possible thing you could do” and “in this game, ‘just being killed normally’ is winning.”

Armageddon Outta Here!

I just woke up so I’d better get this down:

I dreamt that there was a cult that was trying to bring about the Clearing Off – for those of you not familiar with Lovecraft that is when the continent of R’lyeh rises from the sea and Great Cthulhu wakes to prepare earth for the coming of his fellow Great Old Ones. So I was mixed up in this throng of cultists, all wearing cloaks and robes, and they were all listening to the high priest who was actually some sort of horrible monster. Then they noticed me and the girl I was with (I don’t remember her identity – she could have been someone I know from life or could have been some made-up dream girl) so we were chased. We ran into this tiny porta-potty-like bathroom and they were trying to knock the door down and catch our feet with wires under the door. We found some ratty cloaks – or clothes big enough to pass as such – hanging above the crapper so we put them on. Presently the cultists seem to lose interest so we opened the door. They were all heading towards the piers just down the road – they needed to be in the water to perform the rest of the ritual. It was then I noticed that the cultists weren’t all human either. Some of them had tentacles for legs and others had wide, needle-tooth grins and beady, inhuman eyes. We kept our cowls over our faces and tried to blend in with the throng.

When the bulk of the crowd started heading into the water I doubled back – I had by this point lost my companion. I went back into the lot in which the sermon had taken place. I heard chanting and looked up to see the high priest, who was in fact some other mythos entity like Bugg-Shash or Zoth Ommog or some other indescribable beastie, overseeing some sort of activity from the top of a wall. From behind that wall came a stirring, and great bellowing noises. I knew then that none other than Cthulhu himself was floundering to life on the other side of that wall. I got the fuck out of there. I tried to sneak away but Zoth Ommog heard me and tumbled down on his formless limbs to come and “get me.” I ducked into a tangle of debris, found a dark alcove and sat perfectly motionless. I watched the horror’s shadow pass by and over me again and again. I could feel him gazing into the area until by a force of will my hiding spot would be uncovered. I hoped that something would distract him and as if by my own force of will, creatures started appearing out of nowhere as if I were casting Summon Monster I (from D&D, folks). Whatever the source, I took advantage of the distraction and fled.

This was it – the end of the world, and I was left to figure out how to survive. I started climbing around and eventually found a warehouse where they were storing a series of cyclopean stone statues of Cthulhu. As I watched, they started shifting, and the urgency rose. I realized that the land I was standing on was likely to sink into the sea, so I started searching for a boat and some kind of provisions. The docks were abandoned of human life, so I managed to find scavange pitchers and filled them with tapwater, and I found a big bag of trail mix, but all I could find for a boat was this large metal raft that looked like an oversize cookie tray.

I don’t remember anything past that – I think I woke up. Will Toren survive the great cataclysm? Maybe I’ll get to dream up part two tonight.

In trying to think up a title for this entry, I came up with some new words

Carmageddon – a pile-up on the freeway
Farmageddon – a documentary title for an expose on how farming in American ain’t what she used to be.
Harmageddon – a series of Indian burns, charlie horses & pink bellies in grade 5
Dharmageddon – I don’t know
Karmageddon – see dharmageddon
Marmageddon – the creator of Marmaduke goes crazy and starts cartooning the myriad ways in which the greate dane could die.
Parmageddon – you open the fridge and the parmesan cheese falls out, spilling all over the kitchen floor.
Tarmageddon – two trucks carrying barrels of roofing tar collide head-on.
Warmageddon – the period when the sun juuuuuust starts to go Nova, but you think it’s nothing more than a hot summer day.

Her jambox is now mine, by way of our actions.

When I helped Deanna move, she gave me a little stereo that can record from CD to cassette. Wondrous what technology can do nowadays! I haven’t had this capability since about ’96, so I’ve been obsessively making mixed tapes over the past days while I draw.

Now what am I going to do with them?

GROSS!!!

Chrisforsure, Dalia, Anghold and I went to Macdonald’s for dinner last night. On the way, we got on the topic of shingles, and I explained how it works. From there we moved on to haemorrhoids and piles. I explained how they work as well, and Stewie asked “how come you know all this stuff?” Well, apart from my general morbid fascination with gross things, in the same way that Anghold is very attentive of hygiene (and farts!) I am very percipient (phobic?) towards disease. When I get into a new relationship, swapping papers is a must. I’ve only ever had one girl balk at the idea – “don’t you trust me?” but I would think they should be put at ease that I am willing to prove to them that I am clean (and not reckless). So, forthwith, I shall relay my wisdom on these fascinating subjects!!!

Shingles . This is basically chickenpox revisited – it appears as a rash (very itchy and painful) across the side of the torso (and sometimes the face). You have to have had chickenpox in order to get shingles. I had chickenpox when I was a wee lad and when I moved to Vancouver I got shingles – it’s triggered by stress, you see! Yes, very stressful moving from Chilliwack to Van, and the latent virus blossomed into this wonderful new variety. I’ve got scars along my ribs from the damn thing.
Contagious: nope – except if you’ve never had chickenpox, you can get it from someone with shingles. And if you haven’t had chickenpox, you can be vaccinated if you haven’t already been.
Cure: Once you’ve had shingles, you won’t get them again.

Haemorrhoids. Oh, sweet haemorrhoids. Very common. I get them from time to time, and let me tell you, it’s a pain in the…

bathroom. Basically, the veins around your damn near killed ’em become engorged. It can happen to anyone and really is a biproduct of that stupid monkey who decided walking upright would be a really good idea. If you get little spots of blood on your toilet paper – that’s haemorrhoid spoor. They can be mild or ouchy-ouchy, but usually go away in a matter of days.
Contagious: nope
Cure: These little guys aren’t really a disease per se, so there’s no “cure” so much as there is treatment…

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One

When The Thickets went on tour a few years back we played at this restaurant called uh…Apollo’s? (Warren – your dedicated memory is required here) in some town in Ontario. In the bathroom, in the stall – they had a blackboard and chalk, which I thought was pretty clever: erasable graffiti. While I was there I thought it would be apt to write a few tips on how to keep your ass healthy, like so:

When you go to the shitter, don’t sit down longer than you need to.
When you have to go, go. Don’t hold it in.
Don’t skimp on the fiber: An apple a day keeps the haemorrhoids away.
Exercise, and if you’re overweight, lose it.
Drink a lot of water – soft stool is a good stool

Piles is just another name for haemorrhoids, but I’ve always associated it with Extreeeeeeeeeeme haemorrhoids. The kind that you use rubber bands to treat (I’ll let you look that one up on your own). I’ve never used any treatment (like Preparation-H etc) so I really don’t know what the effectiveness is. When they come for a visit, I just wait them out the same way I do for headaches and colds. It’s like a staring contest in many ways. Actually no, it’s not like that at all.

Scabies! I always used to get this mixed up with shingles, so I looked ’em up. Apart from the itchiness, and the fact that they both start and end with an ‘s’ and both have 2 syllables, they’re unrelated. Scabies is when a tiny mite burrows under your skin and causes an allergic reaction that results in itching and a hives-like rash, especially around your warm bits.
Contagious: yes.
Cure: Easy to get rid of with lotions and whatnot.

Banana fana fo ferpes – herpes!
I don’t want to hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? Herpes is actually quite common. A lot of people who have herpes get it as a child from their infected aunt who lavished kisses on them. Cold sores are herpes. A lot of people are under the misapprehension that genital herpes and facial herpes (you can get herpes on the eye, folks!) are two different beasts. Well, the only difference is the location. You can transmit from one site to the other. Also, just like HIV – you can have herpes without showing any symptoms, and transmit herpes to other people. Toren recommends getting tested next time you see your doctor.
Contagious: Extremely. So unless you don’t care, be very careful about who you kiss (and where).
Cure: Nope. Nothing. Not a one. Sorry. You get herpes, it’s yours to treasure…always. The good news is that apart from the discomfort (itching, burning, pain) it’s really just a cosmetic disease, though I’m sure those with herpes would argue that it’s not something to take lightly. Actually – if you get eye herpes you can go blind.

And now I go draw jellyfish. If you’re not grossed out enough yet, I can tell you why poo is brown.