Category: General

I was going through my heap of magazines today, trying to reduce the clutter (for the nonce) in my work area and indeed, the entire living room. I came across this quote from an article in the July 2003 edition of Esquire.

What conclusions can I draw from a woman who steadfastly refuses to get a bikini wax?

I’ts unreasonable to expect any woman to maintain a trim caterpillar-sized patch at all times–the upkeep is tough, painful, and expensive, and most jobs don’t allow you to write it off. However, it is reasonable to expect her to keep her crotch from looking like Benji, and if she isn’t doing that much, then you’ve got a problem on your hands, and in the back of your throat. First, you need to rule out some things: Is she foreign? No? Is she Robin Williams? No? Then it’s possible that the woman in question is a hippie and you’ve chosen to ignore the warning signs: rock-crystal deodorant, hemp butter. Sound familiar? If this is the case, let me offer my deepest sympathy. The situation is hopeless, but I hope you have fun at Burning Man. Or she could be a rebel by nature, which can mean only one thing: trouble. Still, she might take issue with waxing specifically, in which case you may want to gently remind Grizzly Adams that there are many other ways to remove hair.

Now I have a question for Stacey Grenrock Woods, the author of the article: What conclusions can I draw from a woman who propagates–on her own gender no less–uptight, narrow-minded, masochistic esthetics towards something as natural as pubic hair?

Here’s a few things that have been bugging me lately.

Hizouse (sic?) – what’s the deal? Why do we need the “iz” in the middle of that word? What purpose does it serve? Where did it come from? Where is it going? In the gizarbage, I hizope. I’m so square.

f’ing or effing or whatever. Everyone knows that when you say “f’ing” you mean fucking, so why bother? I could kind of, possibly understand using it if you’re in the presence of a seven-year-old (but only if her parents are around), but if you’re hanging out with adults I don’t see the point. Whose delicate sensibilities are you trying to cushion? Same thing with friggin’ or frickin’ – I’ve heard both of those used. As a word, ‘fuck’s whole raison d’etre is to offend, so to water it down is to strip it of its sole purpose. But if you must soften the word fuck because it’s too vulgar, don’t use some lame bastardized version of a real word*. Try replacing it altogether with ‘screw’ or ‘hell’ or ‘damn’. Those are actual words that actually mean actually something, and can add to your statements rather than confuse and muddle them.

*The word, by the way, apparently comes from (or was at least first printed in) an old poem written partly in English and partly in Latin in the 14th century. It’s translated from the latin “fuccant.” The poem is “Flen Flyss” (Fleas, Flies [and Friars]) and it satirized Roman Catholic monks who fornicated with the “wives of [the town] Ely.” More….

Stewie has agreed, at my behest, that should he outlive me, he will come to my funeral and make a scene. I believe the details of the scene are completely up to him, but I hope it will involve a lot of running around, and that the soundtrack will be this song: http://www.jefflewis.net/mp3.html