Some things you can only do when you live on your own. Today I put on a new roll of toilet paper. I’ve always been interested in how much toilet paper I use, and now I’m going to find out. Stay tuned for exciting updates!
Let’s talk about poop.
Did you know that shit is brown because it’s loaded with dead blood cells?
I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this before, but now I’m going to tell EVERYONE: My dad taught me how to wipe my ass. That’s not very unusual of course…that’s a father’s duty (haha, I said ‘duty’) to his son. But I’m going to tell you the hallowed Atkinson tradition of wiping, which I believe I have maintained and honored, and surely must have been passed on to my father from my grandfather. Keeping in mind that my family was extremely budget-conscious while I was growing up (many a toy was created from fast food packaging, but that was also a function of some amount of creativity, I reckon), the prescribed squares of toilet paper to use was, I believe, three to four. I don’t recall if we had the 2-ply or the 1-ply, but one would fold the length of toilet paper over in half to prevent ripping. I think we’ve all had the experience of having the paper rip in mid-wipe and coming out of the experience with brown fingers. Ewwwwwwwwwww something that came out of my body! Anyway – proceed to step 2: wipe. Now, you may think that step 3 is to release the t.p. well outside your field of view, but no. Step 3 is to bring back the toilet paper and fold it again. Then, rewipe. Repeat until the t.p. is folded into a square that is too small to be of any use in and around the region in question. This has the benefit not only of conserving precious toilet paper, but also allowing you to get a good close look at what exactly is coming out of the very nadir of orifices. Fascinating! Now hopefully, if you’re an efficient wiper and you haven’t had too much chili con carnage that day, your job is done and you can move on with your life. But if not, you may have to grab another four squares of toilet paper. Just don’t tell dad.