Anal Distention

Some things you can only do when you live on your own. Today I put on a new roll of toilet paper. I’ve always been interested in how much toilet paper I use, and now I’m going to find out. Stay tuned for exciting updates!

Let’s talk about poop.

Did you know that shit is brown because it’s loaded with dead blood cells?

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this before, but now I’m going to tell EVERYONE: My dad taught me how to wipe my ass. That’s not very unusual of course…that’s a father’s duty (haha, I said ‘duty’) to his son. But I’m going to tell you the hallowed Atkinson tradition of wiping, which I believe I have maintained and honored, and surely must have been passed on to my father from my grandfather. Keeping in mind that my family was extremely budget-conscious while I was growing up (many a toy was created from fast food packaging, but that was also a function of some amount of creativity, I reckon), the prescribed squares of toilet paper to use was, I believe, three to four. I don’t recall if we had the 2-ply or the 1-ply, but one would fold the length of toilet paper over in half to prevent ripping. I think we’ve all had the experience of having the paper rip in mid-wipe and coming out of the experience with brown fingers. Ewwwwwwwwwww something that came out of my body! Anyway – proceed to step 2: wipe. Now, you may think that step 3 is to release the t.p. well outside your field of view, but no. Step 3 is to bring back the toilet paper and fold it again. Then, rewipe. Repeat until the t.p. is folded into a square that is too small to be of any use in and around the region in question. This has the benefit not only of conserving precious toilet paper, but also allowing you to get a good close look at what exactly is coming out of the very nadir of orifices. Fascinating! Now hopefully, if you’re an efficient wiper and you haven’t had too much chili con carnage that day, your job is done and you can move on with your life. But if not, you may have to grab another four squares of toilet paper. Just don’t tell dad.

9 Replies to “Anal Distention”

  1. I’ve never told anyone this before. I must say I use 8-10 squares per wipe; and I am a wadder, not a folder. Jesus, I don’t even think my mother knows this sort of information about me. I know some folders, but I think wadders are more relaxed and cavalier about the process.

  2. I can’t do the wadding – when you wad, you lose any tactile feedback, and that just leads to a mess, I find. One, maybe two folds, and I’m fine.

    I can’t believe we’re discussing this.

    Kevin Smith podcast that he uses flushable baby-wipes, which he’d started doing after Will Smith said he started doing it after Barry Sonnenfeld swore by it. Intriguing, but expensive. I’ve been thinking about maybe having some on hand for when you need that little something extra… like moisturizer.

  3. attn all you males, sit down on the job for no. 1, will make all our lives easier, and it’s the millenium thing to do, thanks

  4. If I could poop standing up, I would. I just don’t think I would have the range or the accuracy required to hit my mark with any precision. But, wow, that would be convenient, wouldn’t it?

  5. As someone who has travelled the world and had to poop standing up, I think you’ll find Dave that with a bit of practice, you’ll be poop marksman in no time.

    You learn fast when the penalty for missing is having to clean up your own shit.

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