I’ve been looking for a serious relationship ever since Tinessa cut me loose in August 2002. I’ve been signed up to a myriad of online dating services and very occasionally I have gone on dates with various gals therefrom. Recently I met Andria on Lavalife and she and I had gone on three dates. Each was full of stimulating conversation, yuks, and interesting activities. Always I enjoyed her company and looked forward to the next time, but I was getting (and giving) more “friend” chemistry than “relationship” chemistry. Replace chemistry with vibes, if you prefer. Before yesterday I hadn’t seen her since Wednesday of last week, what with all the work I’ve been trying to catch up on. We had a date scheduled for yesterday. We were going to go to the beach in Surrey (where she lives) and check out the wildlife.
When Marlo told me on Monday that she had feelings for me beyond friendship, my world went topsy turvy. I don’t even remember when I met her, it was so long ago now. I guess it would be 97 or 98. We chatted online and she seemed really cool to me. Also, sexy. Despite a bit of a crush, I didn’t have ambitions to get in her pants (well – beyond the ambitions I have to get in ANYONE’S pants) I just thought she would make a good friend. As practically everyone knows she is one of my bestest friends, and though she is just as sexy as the day I met her, over time the crush took a far back seat to all the other things that she gives me on a daily basis. Anyway, as I was saying, when she told me she had feelings for me, I told her I would have to think about it. I knew that this would make my life a lot more complicated (and it already has). I knew that other dear friends would be affected. I had to consider the fact that the words “I just want to be single” came out of her mouth and blog more times than I can count over the past several months. I wondered if I went into this and it didn’t work out, would we still be friends?
On the other hand, like I say, I’ve been looking for a relationship for years now. In order to work, my relationship would have to have compatibility, passion, love, trust – all that shit. The same shit that anyone asks for in a relationship. I already love Marlo. It’s stupid how compatible we are. The trust and passion columns get big checkmarks. While I was turning all the data over in my calculator, the Great Gazoo appeared and said “Are you nuts? If you turn Marlo down it may very well become the biggest regret of your life, Dum Dum” and the Great Gazoo is wise and a cartoon, so I readied myself and asked her if she was sure about this. Then I asked her again if she was REALLY sure about this.
The bad news is that at best I feel that I have splintered my group of friends into factions, and that sucks. I don’t like drama, and I don’t really know how to deal with it or minimize it. I feel like no matter what I do (who should I tell first and second and third? Shouldn’t I do it in person? But if I wait until I see someone in person chances are they will have already heard from someone else, and will they resent that? etc etc) will be the wrong thing. I guess the best I can do is continue to go with my instincts, which are notoriously bad but since I have yet to find the Official Guide they will have to do. I love my friends and I want them to be happy, and it disturbs me greatly that there is this friction over the issue(s). I hope that over time things will settle down and return to normal because I don’t plan on hiding or downplaying the good things I have and hope to have with Marlo.
I was saving this post until I had talked to James. I wanted to talk to him in person about the situation but, not surprisingly I suppose, I waited too long. I just talked to James on the phone. It seems we won’t be friends anymore and that makes me profoundly sad. I can understand how and why he would be upset. I guess we had as good a conversation as was possible, but I am going to miss him. I guess you can add “at worst I’ve lost at least one good friend” to the above bad news. Maybe the both of us (Marlo & I) have made some bad decisions. I hope that we have not. I guess time will tell.