I would like, if I may, to point out that I never actually printed up or used those “get out of conversation free” cards. It was just a hilarious idea. No human feelings were harmed in the filming of this motion picture.
I’m still a misanthrope though. Make no mistake.
Confessions (Not mine – not until I get the comfy chair)
Some of these entries are as boring as CBC daytime television:
Here are some excerpts that I don’t find as boring as…well you know.
At the age of 16 I did a sponsored walk for charity. I collected the money from friends and family and spent it on cigarettes, drugs and alcohol.
Sometimes I’ll go through a fast food drive thru and order one of the combo meals plus another burger or entree. But because I don’t want the cashier to think I’m a pig, I’ll order another drink to make it look like I’m ordering for two people.
I told my daughter that all my children let me down. I am very sorry
I have slept with more people in the time I have been seeing my boyfriend than he has slept with in his whole life. I justified this in the name of research – I wanted to see if they were better than him. Some of them were.
I once hit a guy on a bike driving home one night. I just kept driving…. I wonder if he’s ok.
I had crabs in the 11th grade. I was too embarrased to buy the shampoo to kill them. So I put it in my pants and started out the door. I got busted in front of everyone. [I think this one is about shoplifting]
When I was little I had guniea pigs. I would sit with them on the floor and toss them towards the ceiling. I delighted in hearing them squeal louder than any had ever squealed before. I would do this for hours, meanwhile continuously laughing.
I once bit the beak off of a live duck thinking it would impress my gothic girlfriend. She split up with me soon after that but I told all my friends that I was the one who dumped her because she was a bit too wierd for me.
I live with my flatmate. He really annoys me sometimes (he picks scabs off his neck and forehead and stealthily puts them in his mouth, but I can see it out of the corner of my eye). Anyway, he pisses me off, and I wonder how it would turn out if we got in a fight. I think about this too much, and the other day I saw him carrying a TV up the stairs and he was really struggling, because it was heavy. I didn’t help him, but when he went out of the room, I picked it up to see how heavy it was, to get an idea of how strong he is.
When I was nine, I was fiddling around with the telly. The tv was on this swivel stand and had a vase of flowers sitting on top. The inevitable happened: I bumped the tv and the water in the vase ran down the back. The idiot box made this “WHUMP!” sound, the screen went black and a small puff of smoke rose. I discreetly left the room. I heard my mum yelling soon after and she demanded to know what had happened. I mocked sympathy for my younger sister and said to her quietly “I think Jacinta might’ve knocked knocked the vase before and is too scared to say anything.”
Jacinta got screamed at, then smacked. She was five years old.