As soon as I walked in the door of Jeremy’s housewarming I was doomed. Dolmathes, olives, houmous, dark chocolate, homemade peanut butter cookies with peanut reese’s pieces, cheese w/ rosemary crackers, and introducing the Parthenon’s “God’s Dip” – essentially a Greek salad in a dip. So today I blew the diet, willingly and openly. But even though I went well outside the restrictions I’ve set for myself, I didn’t eat nearly as much as I would have if I weren’t on this diet. Still, I feel I’ve revisited the place where I am at my weakest and simultaneously my most comfortable. The place where I am the most satisfied for a short time and then I am the least satisfied immediately afterwards.
It’s funny-peculiar how on one level I want to be in that place so bad, but on another level it makes me sick to think of it. In that moment when I’ve come home from Safeway with a bag of peanut M&Ms, double chocolate cookies, corn chips and 7 layer dip and lemon houmous, and maybe a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, that’s an exciting, heavenly, fulfilling moment. And then when the bags are empty and I’m full to the point of feeling queasy, I am in the moment of regret, shame, and reprobation. And every moment of the day when my mind is not occupied with work or similarly engaged, loading up on the sweets and treats IS ALL I WANT. I mean how do you manage that, really? I know that my current starvation diet isn’t really addressing the problem – more like it’s addressing the fallout to the problem – but I honestly don’t know how to fight it.
Is part of the solution to stop buying my own food? Should I shell out for someone to prepare all of my meals? Is there going to be a time when I don’t crave nachos with guacamole and kalamata olives, or butter chicken, or a DQ Blizzard? Because I’m pretty sure that the only reason I’m able to stay on this diet is because I know that said treats are in my future, and the sooner I lose these last 6 lbs the sooner I can put these delicious treats in my mouth and unintentionally begin putting the weight back on.
Paul and Jeremy and I were talking about exercise tonight. A variety of sources say that biking is good for you but helps not at all in losing weight. Is it true? If so, where’s the justice? Jeremy works out at a gym and as I mentioned I cannot stomach that (bit of a pun there). Paul champions the miracle of Chuck Norris’ Total Gym, which I’m considering. You can get them on Craigslist for $150-200 so I figure I could try it out and if it didn’t work out, sell it on Craigslist for $150-200. Kind of like a free trial with hassle. I could also get an exercise ball and try to conquer my lack of motivation. Alternately: sports sports sports sports. Indoor soccer in 2008? I did enjoy the summer of tennis. Problem is finding the right groove in terms of people, scheduling and location.
I had to walk down to Safeway today to get groceries. Walk! Can you believe it? Too treacherous for bike riding, especially since I almost got murdered yesterday going down a hill and trying to break as a car came towards me. Don’t tell Mom her favourite son almost DIED. Speaking of treacherous, I had to buy my chicken at Safeway, which normally I wouldn’t do, but I just didn’t have time to go to the butcher. I think I’m going to try my orange juice/pumpkin pie spice/butternut squash recipe tonight. And I’m going to put it on HIGH. OVERNIGHT. I hope I don’t burn the house down.
Because I couldn’t ride my bike I thought wouldn’t it be a good idea to go around the neighborhood and offer to shovel people’s walkways for free? That would be good exercise, and it would be serving my bourgeoisie community. Unfortunately them comic book pages ain’t gonna ink themselfs, so my muscles will atrophy as my inking skills grow (in theory).
Day 21: ice cream 125 granoli 130 banana 200 granoli 110 apple 100 granoli 110 vegetables 125 chicken 200 = 1100 calories
Day 22: ice cream 140 granoli 110 apple 100 banana 200 granoli 110 chicken 250 ice cream 25 granoli 220 = 1155
Day 23: ice cream 25 granoli 220 orange 100 ice cream 25 + FAILURE